Practical guide
Why loneliness can appear after the move, and what actually helps
You moved for good reasons. The first months are full, everything is new, and then one day the flat is in order, the paperwork is done, and something is missing that you cannot quite name.
This guide is not about isolation in general. It describes what happens after settling in another country, offers a concrete way to look at your circle of relationships, and ends with short next steps you can try this week.
What this loneliness is not
Loneliness after a move can feel strange because it does not take the expected shape. You see people at work, your phone works, there is noise around you. And still one room stays empty.
It helps to separate two things the same word covers. Chosen solitude is a need for quiet, and it feels fine. Unwanted loneliness is a sense of lack that settles in despite other people being present. The second is what tends to follow an international move, and naming it makes it harder to mistake for a personal failure.
- You are surrounded and it is not enough: functional sociability does not replace an intimate tie.
- You feel behind a social life that looked obvious for other people.
- You treat the loneliness as an organising problem when the subject is relational.
Why the hard moment can come later
There is no standard calendar: loneliness can appear right after you arrive or much later. The start is often filled with concrete tasks: housing, permits, school, transport, a new role, and that novelty can fill the calendar.
The hollow point sometimes arrives when that phase ends. Curiosity is a little quieter, daily life becomes mostly functional, and the network you relied on is still in another time zone.
That does not mean you did something wrong. It means social connection in a new place builds slowly and usually needs more repetition than you expected before you left.
- The practical phase can end before the relational life has started.
- Long friendships may now need organising to exist at a distance.
- The new network is often limited to colleagues and service contacts.
Why the usual advice often falls short
People often say: go out more, join a club, say yes to invitations. That advice assumes something that is not always true, which is that you have spare time, energy for socialising in a language that is not yet natural, and a way to keep in touch.
When those conditions are missing, the advice adds a task to an already loaded life. The connection stays on the surface, and the person concludes they no longer know how to make friends.
- For many people, socialising in a learned language takes more energy than in a first language.
- One pleasant contact is not enough: a relationship needs repetition.
- The real need is often one steady relationship, not a wide circle.
What the research supports, and what it does not
Migrants report slightly more loneliness than non-migrants on average. That is the result of a meta-analysis pooling thirty studies (g = 0.21). It is a group average, with wide variation from one study to another and from one person to another.
The World Health Organization treats social connection as a public health matter and puts the order of magnitude at around one in six people worldwide. These are collective references, not proof of what you are living through, and not a prediction of what is ahead.
What this work does not say: it does not measure your personal situation, it does not explain one particular relocation, and it does not replace a professional conversation if you are struggling. No figure in this guide can serve as a diagnosis.
How it shows up in daily life
Day to day, unwanted loneliness looks less like sadness and more like a quiet narrowing. You lay out your weeks differently, you avoid long calls, you postpone messages.
These signs are rarely dramatic: it takes a long exchange of messages to find a date, there is no one left to say a passing remark to, and part of the week passes with no connection to what actually moves you.
There is a language dimension too. Caldwell-Harris suggests that emotional content is experienced with a different intensity in a first language and in a language learned later. For some people, saying what is happening in the learned language comes easily while the emotion stays at a distance; for others, that distance can instead make it easier to talk about. It is one variable among others, and a personal choice, not a rule.
Exercise: map your support network
Take a sheet of paper and answer in writing. This is not a test. It is there to name what already exists and what is missing.
- Part 1, who is there. List five people you had real contact with this month. For each, note the date of the last exchange that was not purely logistical, what the person offers (information, listening, comfort, perspective), and whether the relationship feeds you or mainly asks to be maintained.
- Part 2, the support map. Draw three needs: practical (concrete help), emotional (being heard without having to explain) and direction (someone to think through your life or work choices with). For each need, write a name or the word empty, without rounding up.
- Part 3, three exchanges before the end of the month. Choose three of the actions below and put a date next to each.
- Propose a regular slot with someone from part 1, because repetition builds more than a one-off meeting.
- Join a place where the same people turn up repeatedly, rather than collecting single encounters.
- Lower the threshold with two existing contacts: say honestly what is hard and what you are looking for, instead of waiting to be guessed.
- Look beyond the expat circle of your own country, so your social life does not rest on a single world.
Frequently asked questions
Frequently asked questions
How long does this last after a move?
There is no standard calendar: it can appear right after you arrive or much later, and it shifts with your network and with practice in the language. A hard stretch that lasts does not mean it is permanent.
Is this depression?
This article makes no diagnosis. The line between a situational reaction and a depressive state is not drawn by reading, it is drawn in consultation. If your mood stays low for a long stretch, it is worth talking to a qualified professional.
Do I have to start therapy?
No. Often the first useful measures are practical. Therapy helps most when the loneliness is not only about context, but touches personal history or a pattern that keeps repeating. That question usually gets clearer in a first conversation.
My family is worried, how do I talk about it?
Say little, but say it well. A few sentences are enough: what you feel, what you are putting in place, and what you are asking for now (a regular but short call, for example). Framing your need avoids having to tell the whole story to be understood.
Related reading
- How to choose a therapist abroad
- Career change while living abroad
- Reflection spaces
- Online therapy for expats
- English-speaking therapist Barcelona
Sources and references
- WHO Commission on Social Connection · Supports the framing of social connection as a public health matter and gives a population reference (about one in six people worldwide), cited as a collective trend, never as an individual figure.
- Martín-María et al., 2026, Social Science and Medicine · Meta-analysis: 40 studies in the systematic review, 30 in the meta-analysis (258,387 participants). After controlling for moderators, a positive association between migration and loneliness (g = 0.21; 95% CI [0.13, 0.30]), with substantial between-study heterogeneity. Cited as a group average, never as an individual figure.
- Caldwell-Harris, 2014, Frontiers in Psychology · Supports the general difference in emotional intensity between a first language and a later learned language, without turning it into a rule about support.
Talk before you start
A free 30-minute first conversation, with no commitment, to get to know each other and see whether this support is right for you. It is not a therapy session.